One of the few virtues of the coronavirus lockdown is a degree more free time to tackle the seemingly ever-growing tower of books in my ‘to read’ pile.  The latest of these is a new title from Wharton’s Stewart Friedman and DePaul’s Alyssa Westring, called Parents Who Lead.

The general hypothesis of the book is that the various factors that go into making a great leader can also help us to become great parents.  They describe the “four-way win”, which aims to improve performance at home, at work, in the community, and in the private realm of the self.

The book, in itself, is not disagreeable, and I’ve written favorably about Bill Burnett and Dave Evan’s Design Your Life in the past, but at our current, unprecedented circumstances, it jarred in the way it described a seemingly perfect life.  It jarred in the way that most of the case studies were drawn from the highly successful, with barely a mention for the ‘just about managing’ or the gig economy worker unclear where their next meal will come from, much less how to fit yoga alongside their child’s ballet recital.  It jarred with the unrelenting pursuit of perfection at a time when people are already stretched to their limit.

Having it all

As the COVID-19 virus spreads into every corner of the world, workers today are facing largely unprecedented circumstances.  Not only are many facing highly precarious futures, with incomes either vanished, drying up, or reduced, but schools are largely shut, as are nurseries and daycare facilities, meaning that a great many of us have to find ways for working at home while keeping children either entertained, educated, or both.

This is at the same time as maintaining normal household chores, running the gauntlet every time you go to a store that is likely to have been gutted by hoarders, and should one or more of the family become infected with the virus, attempting somehow to maintain some sort of social distance from one another.

It’s an unenviable situation whichever way you look at it, but it’s also likely to be a largely unequal situation too.  Since the 1970s and the rapid growth in female participation in the labor force, it’s long been known that despite two pay checks coming into the home, the woman would still do more than her fair share of the domestic chores.  It’s a notion that sociologist Arlie Hochschild refers to as the second shift.

Unequal divide

Recent data from the U.K. suggests things have not changed a great deal, with women still spending up to three times as much time on household activities as men, even when both parents are working full-time.

From schools to afterschool clubs, a range of institutions that might ordinarily have provided some respite are also shut, thus imposing a raft of other responsibilities onto parents, and women primarily.  The fact that it’s highly likely that both parents are working from home during the pandemic offers little in the way of either respite or more equal distribution of domestic responsibilities.

Data from Germany suggests that women who work remotely often end up doing even more, with remote workers contributing around three hours more childcare than women working from an office.  This should perhaps come as no surprise, as research shows that under remote working scenarios, the gender divide tends to be far more traditional.

With both parents working from home, as many are at the moment, the data suggests that men are more likely to put in extra overtime on work tasks, with women then picking up the slack with more domestic duties.

Such patterns have emerged around the world, with this likely to be because so many societies still regard women as the primary custodians of the home, with men primarily responsible for bringing in income.  This narrative exists even in relatively liberal Britain, with roughly two thirds of people thinking it best if mothers were primarily responsible for childcare.

As such, for as long as schools remain shut, it’s highly likely that the responsibility for caring and educating those children will fall upon the woman of the household, all while trying to maintain their own workload, and do housework.

It’s no surprise that so many women report sky high stress levels that result in a variety of mental health issues.  Even if Parents Who Lead is meant as a well-intentioned guide to getting the most out of life, given the unequal burden we place on women at the moment, it seems more likely to exacerbate the stress they feel for not having it all.

Now, more than ever before, we need to be kind to ourselves, and to those around us, and try and get through the current crisis as best we can by supporting one another.  If you’re a woman, you’re already amazing, so be kind to yourself and give yourself a break.  If you’re a man, don’t forget to do your share and ensure that the household tasks are evenly distributed at this most trying of times.

There are likely to be many repercussions of the pandemic, but lets try not to make a reversion to gender roles last seen in the 1950s one of them.