Declining an invitation may seem impolite, even if it’s for an event you’d rather skip. Still, research from West Virginia University suggests that people tend to overestimate the social fallout of saying no.

In a pilot study, a significant majority (77%) admitted to accepting invitations they didn’t want to attend due to concerns about the consequences of saying no. Researchers conducted five experiments involving over 2,000 participants to test whether these fears were justified.

Declining the invite

In one experiment, participants were presented with a scenario involving a dinner invitation from a friend to a local restaurant with a celebrity chef on a Saturday night. Those given the invitation imagined declining because of pre-existing plans and a desire for a relaxing night at home, while those imagining giving the invitation believed their friend declined for the same reasons.

The results showed that participants who envisioned turning down the invitation often believed it would immediately strain their relationship. They were more likely to think their friend would feel anger, disappointment, and be less inclined to invite them to future events compared to participants who imagined being rejected and rated themselves. This perception gap might stem from those who declined to foresee their friend focusing on the rejection itself rather than the thought process leading to the decision to decline.

“Across our experiments, we consistently found that invitees overestimate the negative ramifications that arise in the eyes of inviters following an invitation decline,” the researchers explain. “People tend to exaggerate the degree to which the person who issued the invitation will focus on the act of the invitee declining the invitation as opposed to the thoughts that passed through their head before they declined.”

Put to the test

In another test, 160 people joined a “couples survey” with their partners. Out of these pairs, 4% were together for less than six months, 1% for six to 12 months, 21% for one to five years, and 74% for more than five years.

Here’s what happened: one person left the room, and the other wrote an invitation for a fun activity they wanted to do together, like watching a movie or going for a hike. Then, they switched places, and the first person returned to read a rejection from their partner, saying they just wanted to stay home and relax.

The interesting part? No matter how long the couples were together, the person saying no thought their partner would be angrier or feel more neglected than they actually did.

The researchers say this shows that people consistently think others will be more upset when they say no to plans, even in long and close relationships.

“While there have been times when I have felt a little upset with someone who declined an invitation, our research gives us quite a bit of good reason to predict people overestimate the negative ramifications for our relationships,” the researchers explain.

There are also very real benefits of turning down invitations if it means that we help to stave off the risk of burnout, which is a very real one if we take on too much.

“Burnout is a real thing, especially around the holidays when we are often invited to too many events,” the authors conclude. “Don’t be afraid to turn down invitations here and there. But, keep in mind that spending time with others is how relationships develop, so don’t decline every invitation.”